Where do I begin?

 Where do I begin this post? To be honest, posting on this blog has haunted me for the past several months. I have worked to compose an update that would sound appropriate. Struggling to find the words. What do I say? How do I even begin to explain the battles faced when adopting internationally, without sounding like I am complaining? How do I explain where we are at in the process?
 This is hard. Actually, its like labor but much longer.  From the outside looking in, to hear words like "Paper pregnant" was something I thought to be a horrible explanation of adoption (oh yes, all before the giant mound of papers). Amazing how as human beings when we have the slightest knowledge, or rather think we do, about a subject, we often "think" we know what something is like.  This is something that I am surely guilty of. While 'Paper pregnant' isn't a phrase I would likely post anytime on a card or picture, it may help those who are not in the shoes of adopting parents.
   Adopting is so much like being pregnant, having been pregnant and experienced loss, this is  my edit of that phrase..."Paper pregnant, for a child that might not end up being mine" is really what that phrase says behind the scenes. It is most for me like pregnancy after a miscarriage.  You know through out this process that at any moment things could change. This child you love and long to be in your home, safe and loved, could just end up not being yours. That, itself, is a heavy labor pain.

  Just like the joys of pregnancy, the adoption process has its own joys. For us, the joys have been watching God provide financially, spiritually, and physically. Those joys, at times, seem brief in the view of this large mountain of paperwork and to-dos. But, I am thankful for the joys and the burdens that each day brings. We are thankful that we can see, that we can go back to prove, the faithfulness of God.
 Let us share a few with you!
First, who would have thought that we would be in the midst of adoption, getting ready for our home study almost exactly a year after loosing Lliam? Really?! We certainly could not have ever imagined or planned that. Let us add, adopting from one of the two countries our hearts love, China! I have always loved the country of China. My heart nearly bursts with excitement  every time I think that we will be going there soon. (I may not want to come home, just being honest.)
 Then, lets back up and add the fact that we were NOT looking to host an orphan.. but God had other plans (thanks to our friend Linda for being used to open our eyes and hearts). From the timeline for matching, the day we were matched with Ming (yu ming), to the financial side of it.
  Finally, how God moved. I can not believe that I had a time where I actually thought I didn't really want to adopt, but I did. There, I admitted it and you all can know. Going into hosting, I only wanted that. I tried to be open, but just had a hard time opening up to the potential hurt of things not going well. It was at our hosting training that the Lord moved both Darrell and I to adopt Ming. Before we held him, before we knew him, we knew God meant him for our family. So many things from that point have been beautiful confirmations.
We did not go into adopting to replace something or rather the someone, Lliam. We said yes to adopting because we were called to it. I know that we needed to go through losing our son, to prepare us for this next step of faith. It does not mean that we aren't still grieving, we are. So is our Ming. How much more my children understand, in a very small way, what loss feels like, to be able to feel sympathy for orphans. They feel just as called to this as we do. The sympathy they feel for orphans could not have been taught.

Now the facts: Right now we are in the home study phase. Almost all of our funds have gone to the payments for the agency and training needed. Our next big expenses are for the home study completion($1900) and our fees to send the dossier- big pile of papers- to China to be translated and submitted ($3900).  God is faithful and has provided as the payments have come. We continue to change our budget, take out luxuries and give sacrificially to our adoption fund. But this is not about us, and adoption is not something you go into because you have $35,000 in your savings. When God called us to adoption, He called us to a  grander walk of faith than we could ever imagine. The following quote has been a blessing to my heart and is truly our heart.

“When a family seeks help in raising funds for an adoption, it’s not like asking people to pitch in toward a new boat, or help pay for a vacation. What they are doing is committing to heal, with God’s help, a child who has suffered the profound damage of being unwanted and unloved. They are obediently living out the command given in James 1:27 to care for the orphan, clothing the gospel of Christ’s redemption in flesh and blood and now. When they ask for the body of Christ to come alongside them financially and prayerfully, they are giving us the opportunity to be a part of the miracles God works through obedience.” -Ashley Paradis Moreno